Well.

I have to live with it.

And it won't go away.

Such a bane on my existance

Fuck. you

Apologies for the grim-ness

Poptarts

Yes, poptarts. I purchased some for the bargain price of $2. I had no idea that in Aus a box of them will set you back $15. What a joke.

In other news, I got my job. Now I work at my favorite store.
However, I haven't received the paperwork, so I cannot say it's official.

Should I be happy? I gave up the way it was, put in some effort.. to have it the way I wanted.
Yet here I am. Why am I so unhappy?

It's a feeling that normally engulfs my body and mind when I'm unaccompanied and left to my own thoughts.
It creeps up through my torso and seems to wedge itself right in the center of my chest.
I read a quote somewhere the other day that went a little like "In silence the heart raves. It utters words, Meaningless, that never had a meaning"
... My heart may be raving, but there are no words. Only an overwhelming aching.

Where did that warm fuzzy feeling of being slightly detached from reality go? When?

Not being able to get out of your own head.. is torturous.

So it seems that destruction is a continuous process, not one of finite duration.

(&*^*&

Unmotivated. Embarrassed. And mortified.

What a combination. This calls for a day of bedrest, and closed blinds, in an attempt at willing myself to vanish from the face of the earth.

Ahh.

Perseverance has paid off, I've done something right!

Should anyone, who knows me, happen to read this (I only know of.. perhaps one), you will know how desperately hard I have been trying to find a job.

Okay, so not desperately hard, but there were many nights spent sitting in bed with my laptop until 2am applying on seek.com. And maybe a day or so where I skipped my classes to get out there and hand in some resumes. Regardless, I've had some luck!

After being rejected from camera stores, pharmacies, pet shops, and Telstra, I got a call.

I was invited to attend a 'group job interview' . From a company I couldn't even recall applying for.

My first ever job interview. And i didn't even know what it was for.

On arriving home I checked up all the jobs i'd applied for on seek (ooyeaboy), the company was called Atlantic Group, and it appeared I had applied for a position as an 'Experienced Food & Beverage Attendants'.

Now, I have NO experience in the Hospitality Industry whatsoever. Hell, i've never even had a proper job. Clearly there was a lapse in my mentality. At 1am it seems any job is obtainable, after applying for at least 40 jobs.. what's one more? Even if you require experience, although they made it sound awfully enticing.

"Atlantic Group [v] delivers the highest profile events in Melbourne. We are home of the L’Oreal Melbourne Fashion Festival and entertain Professional Sporting Clubs, Gala Events, Charity Dinners, Cocktail Parties and Conferences. Your role will be hosting and delivering a service to "A" list celebrities on a regular basis."

I believe I was won over by the mentions of fashion.. and celebrities... and perhaps the pay.

Long story short, I attended the interview. Two and a half hours later, after what was more like .. an exam, I had met a lovely English man named Chris (who wants to buy a beach house), learnt how to fold napkins correctly, and how to pour wine and not break plates. All the essential skills in being a competent waitress.

Today, six days later, I receive a call from the staffing coordinator informing me that '"You have been successful and we would like to offer you a position, Could you start tonight?"

WTF. I was the most inexperienced at the interview, as well as the youngest, attended with not much intention of actually working there, and ended up with the job.

I nobly declined the offer of starting tonight, providing a legitimate excuse about my schooling commitments. It is year 12 after all.

Working for this company would be a great start though, the staff of who I met were great, my potential 'future managers' were awesome (at least when they weren't under pressure).
Everything is done to perfection. And the venue is .... Gorgeous.

My dilemma is now, send an email explaining the hours I can/can't work. Which aren't all that flexible until mid November.

And most likely they will turn around and say 'Thanks, but no thanks'. It wouldn't be hard too for them to find someone else.
And to be honest, I'm not phased either way, I was surprised to even be considered, let alone get offered the job.

Why is it that when you really badly want something, you get the something you want the least.

If that even makes sense.

On the upside. I have a second job interview next week! I don't know if i should think about it too much, because I really want this job.

My dream shop.

Waiting has paid off, I received the email i wanted! Now i just have to dazzle them..

Self.

I am incredibly frustrated. I'm not sure what i've done with the past three hours, I do know what I have done.. and that is nothing productive, don't think 'facestalk' quite cuts it. 

I find myself wasting alot of my time lately, I have perfected the art of procrastination. 

Having perfected this art, I am constantly shadowed by a cloud of guilt. Running parallel to this is my inner critic, screaming at me about not reaching my full potential/slacking off/attempting to avoid the inevitable. Which in retrospect, doesn't really get you anywhere.

But it's hard to slip out of this pattern and disarm the critical thoughts, you'd think perhaps they might provide some sort of motivation, or just switch off. But the poor quality of self-talk has dominated almost all my thoughts for as long as I can remember.

Ergh.

09/09/09

"battle scars from the pillowcase pressed across your cheeks where you fought and lost. (we don't know sleep here.) 

you're mine in the way that the dips of your hips fit my hands perfectly, thumbs pressed tight to feel the blood pulse in you.

 and i'm the only one holding you up and in and together. i'm yours in the way that you're the only reason i'm holding on."